In my everyday life, I try extraordinarily hard—perhaps to a fault—to remain a proper lady. You won't hear me burp, I thoughtfully consider my clothing and jewelry, I rarely leave the house without curling my hair or spritzing perfume, and seldom do I divulge in the gross beauty things that I find disgustingly satisfying.
Except for today, and on the Internet of all places. Join me?
Dislodging Black Eye Goop
Anyone who wears mascara, eyeliner or eyeshadow knows damn well that even when you try your best to get all that product off your face, you still wind up with black eye goop in the morning. Non-makeup wearing people have this, too, but the fact that it's black from product makes it that much more of a fascinating removal process.
Seriously, wiping it from the corners of my eyes is possibly one of my favorite things to do when I wake up.
Finding Stray Shower Hair
This one's for all you long-haired beauties. You know all that hair that accumulates in your fingers while you're shampooing? And how you pull it off and swirl it around in your fingers before sticking it to the shower wall?
Yeah, well that's a gross thing, but let's talk about the hair that accumulates between your thighs or in the crevice of your shapely bum. Removing that wispy ball of hair brings me far too much joy, and I really don't even have a valid explanation as to why.
Finding a Seriously Split End
Sometimes, when I'm bored, I spend time looking at individual strands of my hair hoping to find the holy grail of split ends. I'm usually cursed with the boring single splits (womp womp), but sometimes, when all the stars align, I find a split end so magnificent that it has Guinness World Record potential. I think my highest split count on one solitary hair strand is around eight or nine.
Apparently, I was cut from the same cloth as my mother, because she does the same thing. Once, she found a split hair so impressive that she taped it to a piece of black paper and mailed it to my aunt. That's a real love gift, right there.
Examining the Oil Dots That Show Up While Face-Masking
I don't care how little sebum your face puts out; when you slap on a clay mask, you're going to get those little dark beads of oil that pop up as the mask begins to dry. These typically occur on the nose and sometimes the forehead, and watching them appear, on a fascination scale of one to 10, registers probably somewhere around a 15.
That is visual representation that your face mask is doing its damn job. On that same note, I see you over there studying that used pore strip with the unapologetic fervor of a microbiologist.
Relieving an Ingrown Hair
Gross story alert!
Perhaps this is telling, but one of my most vivid memories from middle school is the day I found an ingrown hair on my wrist. For weeks, I noticed a little bump, but I didn't know exactly what it was and kept ignoring it.
Then, one day during English class, I scratched my arm. When I looked down, I noticed a little hair poking out from the spot and pulled at it with my fingernails. I kid you not, it was probably approaching an inch long and you could tell it had grown into a coil formation. I was entranced for a good 10 minutes.
Peeling Off Nail Polish
You know how sometimes when you peel off your nail polish the whole thing comes off in one piece? And as you peel it, you can feel a sort of cooling sensation overcoming your fingernail? SO. GOOD. The same satisfaction can be found in peeling off a face mask in large pieces and peeling off sunburnt skin in large pieces.
I'm so gross.
Cleaning the Crud From Under Your Fingernails and Toenails
And on the fingernail note... throughout the day, I find myself mindlessly scooping the crud out from underneath my fingernails. Seriously... where does it come from? (Don't answer that.)
Anyway, it's satisfying when I do it, and it's also satisfying when my manicurist does it. Clearly, I'm a sucker for anything that provides a clear visual of aesthetic improvement. In the same category: cuticle elimination.
OK, enough from me. Tell me the ways in which you are gross. Also, I can't be alone in all the above. Anyone find a similar satisfaction in the things I listed?