The Imminent Robotic Takeover: Day 2

Get smooth legs just in time for slut season!
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Annie
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Get smooth legs just in time for slut season!

It’s getting sunny and warm outside which means one thing: slut season is fast approaching. CAN WE PLEASE DEAL WITH THIS REALITY?

There’s nothing wrong with dressing a little slutty. I’m not encouraging promiscuity--I mean, do you if that’s you to let others do you--I’m just all for denim cutoff wedgies. And, no, just because you dress slutty doesn't make you a slut, and doesn't mean you're asking for "it." But I love to see a chick that’s like, “Here they are! MY LEGS. All of them.” If you have undercheeks, prove it yo!

My skirts aren’t short enough if I’m walking around perfectly content that my ass isn’t showing, nah mean? YOU DID THIS TO ME, MOM AND DAD. When your genes mixed together in that perfectly sterile test tube (I refuse to believe that I was conceived in any other fashion), you really effed up connecting those baby ladder chromosome rungs and forever stunted my growth. To most passerbyes upon first glance, I’m basically like a really self-confident toddler who looks like she has young, rich parents that dress her in fashionable normal-people clothes for Instagram purposes. Then they’re all, “OMG, no, I think that’s a full-grown adult.” (Also, Dad, please stop reading my stuff. This is not for your eyes, move along to your Amazon cart.)

Due to physics, my skirts and shorts must be shorter than normal-heighted people’s skirts and shorts just to look proportional. I totally understand the schoolgirl skirt-belts at the stripper emporiums. To me, they’re like something I could pair with a cardigan and wear to court.

And I know it’s wrong of me, and completely sexist, but hairy calves are disgusting to do in public, like farting. So gross, ew, I can’t believe I’m having to complete these thoughts.

Under-thighs, I think, are totally OK to be hairy, though. They’re like the uni-area of the leg. Don’t you agree?

So you’re left with shaving, waxing, depilator-ing, laser-ing, maybe threading (not sure about that one), and the less-mainstream of the leg hair-removal methods: epilating. Which brings us to my second featured robot-world-domination device: Braun’s Silk Épil 7 Skin Spa or whatever.

It’s basically like a mini harvester tractor, except instead of plowing large fields for corn, it’s plowing out your stupid leg hairs. Or armpit hairs, or any body hairs, really.

Here goes nothing:

It probably would have hurt a lot less if I had pulled my skin taut as directed. So, as always, you should really read the directions thoroughly before use. You should. I’m just a glorified guinea pig, and guinea pigs can’t read. They just die after a couple of months and your mom throws them in the alley garbage while you’re at school and says she buried it nicely in the backyard.

I did this (pulled my skin taught, not died) when I used it in the shower, but honestly think that the device works better dry. Sure, it’s more painful. Everything that works well is more painful. See: Lip Venom v. Restylane.

Also, don’t press the machine into your skin, it’ll pinch. It’ll hurt. For real, read and follow the directions; they write them to help you not hurt yourself and then complain and leave a bad review on Amazon. Oh! And I almost forgot to mention that you can switch the head to a body brush, so, like, a Clarisonic for the rest of you. Pretty fancy.

The redness goes away after a day or whatever. I slather oil all over myself after bathing; you gotta moisturize after epilating. Right now it's Osea's Anti-Aging Body Balm, which is the perfect amount of dry greasiness and doesn't make you smell like a fruitcake. I like being a little greasy. When did that become a bad thing? Anyway, I'm really digging on all things Osea right now. Vegan and seaweed sound like a great combination.

The redness goes away after a day or whatever. I slather oil all over myself after bathing; you gotta moisturize after epilating. Right now it's Osea's Anti-Aging Body Balm, which is the perfect amount of dry greasiness and doesn't make you smell like a fruitcake. I like being a little greasy. When did that become a bad thing? Anyway, I'm really digging on all things Osea right now. Vegan and seaweed sound like a great combination.

Cool--so, waxing is messy and you might have sensitive skin, you don’t have money to get laser-ed, shaving will grow back tomorrow, depilatory-ing will also grow back tomorrow no matter what they say, so give the epilator a shot! It’s, like, half an hour tops of self-inflicted tweezer-type pain for about three weeks (or more?--we'll see) of slut-skirt-smooth leg skin.

Do you guys epilate? Am I the only one who hasn't tried this?