A Bruised Forehead Turned Me Into A Face Wipe Connoisseur

If I try to wash my face over my tiny sink in my tiny bathroom, I hit my not-so-tiny head on my also-not-so-tiny medicine cabinet.
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If I try to wash my face over my tiny sink in my tiny bathroom, I hit my not-so-tiny head on my also-not-so-tiny medicine cabinet.

When I found a Park Slope apartment that’s big enough to have a roommate but cheap enough to avoid such suffering, I was thrilled. I’d always dreamed of being the only single, childless 30-something within a square mile. But with the new cherry hardwood floors, intricately embossed ceiling, and borderline-gigantic kitchen came the smallest, ugliest private bathroom I have ever pooped in. (Even uglier than Annie's, IMHO.)

What limited floor space it has is covered in two different, clashing, retro-in-the-worst-way tile patterns. The remnants of a smiley-face sticker are on the wall next to the toilet, and there’s a faucet at mid-shin height in the shower. The medicine cabinet over the toilet doesn’t close, and a plastic no-smoking sign (which is upside-down, so it looks like a no-rocket-launches sign) is permanently stuck to the other medicine cabinet above the sink.

It’s the latter cabinet with which my forehead has become well acquainted, because it is impossible to bend over the sink to rinse my face without the two colliding. Consequently, I wash my face with bottled cleanser only in the shower; and because I find showering too much of a drag to do more than once a day, I’m left with a choice before bed: sleep with my makeup on, or use face wipes.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a foreheadache," I said to my imaginary boyfriend.

"Not tonight, dear. I have a foreheadache," I said to my imaginary boyfriend.

No matter how much I like a skincare product, I like trying new ones even more (don’t hate the playa, hate the game), so I’ve tried dozens of face wipes since I moved in.

Behold my favorites!

Yes to Cucumbers Facial Towelettes are the gentlest, most inoffensive face wipes out there; the Tom Hanks of face wipes, if you will. Even if you don’t like Tom Hanks (what?!) or don’t have sensitive skin, which is what these are made for, they are a freakin’ treat to use.

I had to go off of estrogen-based birth control pills last year because they increase the risk of strokes in people who get retinal migraines. Consequently, I started breaking out more often, which, for a minute or two, made me seriously consider accepting the possibility of a half-paralyzed but acne-free face. Instead, I started using these tangy Neutrogena Pink Grapefruit Oil-Free Cleansing Wipes to help keep my skin clear.

Grapefruit and salicylic acid aren’t friendly on the eyes, though, so if you opt for these, you may want to supplement them with…

Ole Henriksen Purifying Eye Make-up Remover. Don’t be fooled by the lack of “wipes” or “towelettes” or “cloths” in the title. When you open this jar, you’ll be greeted by cute, little pads soaked in a non-irritating blend of cleansing ingredients. They remove even the cheapest, crustiest waterproof mascara, making them totally worth the 33-cents per pad.

I was reluctant to try Blûm Naturals Pro Age Daily Cleansing & Makeup Remover Towelettes because I was dumped on my thirtieth birthday in the Taco Bell drive-thru by a guy with the last name Blum, but I decided it wasn’t fair to hold that against them. And I’m glad I didn’t, because, unlike that guy, they’re gentle and help me feel all fresh and young. They’re also really thick, which is the one thing they do have in common with that guy.

A lot of my favorite shirts are made of rayon, and apparently, so are my new favorite face wipes, Stila Ready For Take Off Moisturizing Cleansing Cloths. Made with anti-inflammatory essential oils, they make your makeup disappear, and then themselves—they’re biodegradable.

Got any favorite face wipes? Perhaps any tips for washing one's face in a tiny bathroom?