Calm Your Tits: Product Picks For Sensitive Boobies

I’m giving this inexplicably popular phrase a higher (read: literal) purpose with products that will soothe reactive chest skin and sore nipples.
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Marci
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I’m giving this inexplicably popular phrase a higher (read: literal) purpose with products that will soothe reactive chest skin and sore nipples.

The other day, when I might or might not have been overreacting to an ignorant comment about the Pledge of Allegiance, a not-terribly-original person said to me, “Calm your tits.”

I’ve been thinking about this phrase ever since. What exactly is it supposed to mean? Is it funny, kind of? Where did it come from?

Despite minutes of research, I can’t seem to find its origin. The first-ever mention of it on the internet, from what I’ve gathered, is in a conversation between two guys on a comic book forum in 2006; Guy 1 says it’s one of the more amusing phrases he’s heard in a while, and Guy 2 says it comes up a lot when he plays D&D. Something tells me neither of these guys knows much about tits, let alone ones in need of calming.

Regardless of the saying’s genesis or intended meaning, it makes me think of all the times my skin’s sensitivity hasn’t been limited to my face. A quick change in temperature, a detergent switcheroo, a pearl necklace from a new dude--they’ve all caused my chest to get red, splotchy and even itchy.

I tried telling them to calm down, but they didn't listen. Probably because boobs don't have ears.

I tried telling them to calm down, but they didn't listen. Probably because boobs don't have ears.

And that’s not the only kind of sensitivity boobs have to contend with. My pregnant and new-mom friends have complained about skin uncomfortably stretching as their rack gets ready for motherhood, or their nipples getting chapped and raw while they’re breastfeeding.

Hell, even plucking the little hairs around your areola can cause irritation, especially if you can’t resist digging for those stuck-under-the-skin ones (which I can’t).

If any of these annoyances sound familiar, you need not suffer any longer. There’s an array of options to, as they say, calm your tits.

WHAT TO GET

If frequent redness is the issue, consider splurging on SkinCeuticals Redness Neutralizer and using it daily as a preemptive strike. It’s got a peptide that keeps skin temperature and inflammation in check, with the help of an extract from the adorably named bootlace tree.

If you’re not big on forethought, you can quickly cool irritation and minimize redness with Dermalogica UltraCalming Mist. Its aloe, oat and not adorably named spiderling extracts are really good at putting the kibosh on flare-ups.

I could've given intern Felicia advice on how to handle her splotchy chest, but I told her she had to wait and read the article with everyone else.

I could've given intern Felicia advice on how to handle her splotchy chest, but I told her she had to wait and read the article with everyone else.

Whether your boobs are getting bigger due to pregnancy, implants, weight gain, or a wish granted by Zoltar, you’ll want to massage Otopia Breast is Best balm on them every day. It has just four ingredients, three of which are certified organic, and all of which are awesome at helping skin comfortably adjust to expanding.

Got a tiny person gnawing at your nipples? Congratulations! And sorry about your nipples. I hear breastfeeding can be really painful. A guy I dated a while ago used way too much teeth, so I like to think I can relate. Bamboobies Boob Ease Natural Nipple Balm, the Rooty Tooty Fresh ‘N Fruity of breast products, soothes soreness and heals cracked skin with ingredients that are safe for ingestion, so you don’t have to wipe it off before your kid goes to town.

And finally, if you’ve got annoying little hairs around your areola like everyone does so don’t be all like “Ew, gross, I don’t know what you’re talking about” and you pluck them, it’s almost impossible to avoid a little irritation—even infection. Neosporin + Pain Relief is probably already in your medicine cabinet, so dab a little on after you tweeze.

Got any other products you’d recommend for irritable breasts? Which of these boob probs bugs you the most? Leave a comment, and then flash me on Twitter.