You Don't Not Need To Spend $40 On This

I bought a legit nail salon polish rack and **voila** art!
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Annie
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I bought a legit nail salon polish rack and **voila** art!

Going shopping in a wholesale beauty supply store is like trying to buy weekend liquor on a Friday night while still in high school: everything you want is right at your fingertips, but you probably won't be able to get wasted on any of it because YOU DON'T HAVE THE PROPER CREDENTIALS TO PURCHASE ANYTHING.

Actually, I've had much better luck buying liquor underage than I have trying to buy things at a beauty supply store. Because that one private school kid with the laminating machine doesn't know jack about making a fake beauty license, but he CAN make you a 22-year-old named Isabel from Louisiana. (What? Like you didn't also choose a sexier, slightly foreign-sounding name for your first fake?)

"Elsa Savage" is gonna TEAR IT UP at the apparently ever-so-legendary Bronx beauty supplies just as soon as I get this document figured out in Photoshop. Just playing! That's ill-e-gal. And potentially dangerous--I could seriously eff up somebody's hair with professional bleach or lose hella brain cells to nail glue. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN GET THOSE THINGS WITHOUT A LICENSE.

Oh wait, you can. Sally Beauty Supply sells all the potentially dangerous beauty product you'd ever want or need to unlicensed everybodies--at totally reasonable prices, but a bit higher than a "wholesale" retailer. Why are licenses required again? I'm totally down and understand if they're to keep costs low for working professionals, but any claim that they're for the public's safety is a bit bogus, no?

HOWEVER, just as we all had that one friend of a friend who could hook it up with the fake in high school, we all have that one friend who's a licensed beauty professional that can take you shopping for wholesale supplies. At least I do. In Austin it was my friend Sam, and thank God for Claire in NYC, who took me to Hi-Fashion Beauty Supplies in Queens.

It was amazing. We're talking rich-bitch brand nail polish for $3. AISLES of it. And glitter, and lashes, and waxes, and cotton pads, balls, swabs, and tear-apart rolls, and chemicals--so many chemicals. I could probably cook up lots of DIY meth as a nice side project to my fake ID business. I'd do it up all cute with the packaging and stuff, people will be all, "You should totally sell on Etsy!"

What I really wanted, though, was one of those acrylic wall-mounted nail polish organizers. I'd been perusing them online, but spending $40 on something that isn't instantly gratifying is the thing that I hate doing most in life. I figured I'd be able to get it for way cheaper at the wholesaler.

Wrong. It was also $40. Or at least that's what they decided they'd charge me--nothing had a price tag. But I saved on shipping and got that instant gratification that I crave, so all in all I'm pretty pleased with myself.

I even INSTALLED the damn thing myself. Dude was all, "Baby! You did it!" Come on, it's, like, four screws. I use more upper body strength giving myself a blowout--don't patronize me. Unless your penis has a Phillips head, I'm probably better at mounting things on walls than you are, B. Although, my disco ball still needs to be drilled into the ceiling! Love you!

Below are the three top reasons why I'm really happy with my purchase.

1. IT'S ART

Well, like a collection of small arts into one big art. **leans forward, cups hand around the back of ear** Excuse me? Did somebody just say that nail polish is not art? I like to refer to 2009 as Chanel's "Jade Period," and argue that it's the reason that everything that's considered aesthetically pleasing since that polish's release comes in some form of mint green. Cupcakes, candies, bridesmaids dresses, scooters. What else do women with eyes like nowadays?

2. ACRYLIC IS IN

We've seen it in shoes, handbags, jewelry, tables, chairs, glasses frames. I'm convinced that clear acrylic/lucite/glass will always be sexy. It's CLEAR. It implies nakedness, zero mystery. What you see is what you get. I like my shelving and beauty product storage to reflect that, know what I mean?

3. IT'S NOT JUST FOR NAIL POLISH!

I have at least two human's-worth of junk in my apartment at all times. People are always leaving stuff at my place; certain people basically live over here, so counter, floor, and drawer space is limited. I've lost REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS like pins and house keys recently, so it would be nice to keep them somewhere separate where they wouldn't be knocked onto the floor or into the abyss of my eyeshadow drawer.

Accessorize! 

Accessorize! 

Also, film rolls fit nicely in these shelves if you're into that sort of thing. I used to have hobbies... before this job. Now I have 94 bottles of nail polish on my wall.

4. IT'S NOT JUST FOR NAIL POLISH AND SUNGLASSES AND KEYS AND STUFF YOU LOSE!

It's also a perfect drying rack for thongs. I NEVER have enough corners and knobs to hang my freshly washed panties on. Just loop the waistband over the top of your favorite frosty pink Orly or grey Chiate polish and watch as your 3-for-$30's dry instantly over the next few hours. (Yes, I've graduated from the 5-for-$25 variety. I've finally become the pre-adult I've always wanted to be.)

I apologize for the busted photos in this article. The jig is up, I do not actually see the world exclusively through the viewfinder of a super nice DSLR. 

I apologize for the busted photos in this article. The jig is up, I do not actually see the world exclusively through the viewfinder of a super nice DSLR. 

K, the anticipation is killing me. What was the name on your first fake ID? And what's the most illegal document you've forged?