How I Sampled My Way To A Fully Made-Up Face Without Getting A Staph Infection

Pressed for time and money, I made my way around the mall, gussying up my face.
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Pressed for time and money, I made my way around the mall, gussying up my face.

The other day, I had plans to meet my friend for an early lunch. I had to wake up early to go to my sister’s wedding dress fitting, so I thought I would go back home to do my makeup and hair. I looked and felt awful. The previous night had been a long one, and my skin has been crappy for a while now. 

Long story short, a mix-up with the dress ensured that I wouldn’t have time to go home and fix my face. I had about half an hour before I needed to meet my friend, and I didn’t feel like facing not only her but a whole mall full of well-groomed people looking like I did. 

I needed a plan. I knew I could get away with using samples there in the mall, but samples are generally unsanitary. 

Here's how I managed to put my face together without getting a staph infection.



First on my list was a nice, even foundation to make my skin look better. I sauntered into the MAC store, all casual-like. I told the woman working there that I was in the market for a new foundation (little white lie) and that I needed good coverage. She suggested their Studio Fix Fluid foundation. 

Whenever I bend the truth, I become too flustered to just leave it at that, so I began telling her about how I didn’t know what shade I would be, and how my old foundation is the wrong shade. I was in really deep, so I decided to just roll with it and take up a life of crime. 

She applied the foundation in the right shade with a brush that she cleaned beforehand. I was all “Hmm... I like it” and even considered buying it because I felt so bad about being a big old liar. Instead, I kept checking my watch and telling her I would definitely come back.


Dark circles are generally not a good look. I went to the YSL counter and started fiddling with the Touche Eclat. This caught the attention of the young man who worked there. 

Without further prompting, he quickly showed me which one was best for my skin tone and cleaned it for me to use. Unfortunately, he continued standing there once I was done, and I awkwardly had to make a sort of “I’llcomebackhmgphmgp” remark before I walked off.


I decided to stop dealing with employees by using drugstore brands for the rest of it. 

For my blush, I found the least-used Revlon powder blush (powders have less bacteria swirling around in them than wet products), which was their Haute Pink powder blush. I just used my finger to add a bit of colour to the apples of my cheeks. I instantly looked more alive.


I knew that eyes would be tricky. The grossest testers to use are the ones for your eyes. 

Instead of braving all sorts of infections and diseases, I just bought myself a new Maybelline Great Lash Lots of Lashes mascara--one of my favourites, and cheap enough to justify the purchase. Two coats of mascara opened up my eyes, and I used the tip of the wand to smudge a little bit of product onto the top outer corner of my lids.


Luckily, I always carry at least three different shades of lipstick in my tiny bag, so I swiped on a few coats of Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Crush and felt brand new.

I could get used to this life of lying and conning. I’ve seen Heartbreakers, like, eight times. I’ve just, uh, never been back to that particular MAC store since.