I have some pretty silly rules when it comes to guys' Tinder photos. If a guy is posing with something like an antique cannon or a tree trunk at his crotch, I swipe left. (For those of you with too much dignity to be on Tinder, you swipe left when you're not interested.) If it's a photo of him and his family--wife included--I swipe left. If he's on a ski slope, I swipe left.
That last one is especially arbitrary, I know. But for some reason, skiing is a turn-off for me. Maybe it's because I've heard too many stories of people who've died hitting trees and I'm afraid to start a relationship with someone who puts themselves in that position. It's more likely, though, that I find it unappealing because I have no personal interesting in skiing, so if it's really important to him, we may not have much in common.
It's even more likely that it's because I think ski goggle tans look really dumb. I'm sorry, they do! Even on Harry Styles.
Remember a few years ago when Kim Kardashian fell asleep wearing her sunglasses while she was sunbathing and then her sisters publicly mocked her?
Yeah, it's like that, but goofier, because gigantic ski goggles.
But I'm wrong, apparently. London's newest, hippest, super-duper awesome-y coolest beauty trend is the faux ski goggle tan.
"To start with I had no idea what they were doing. They come in with a ski mask and come out of the tanning booth with big white patches on their eyes," the spokesperson explained. "I asked one girl why she does it and she said incredibly that it's the latest fashion to have a fake ski tan--to make it look like you've been to skiing. It's got so popular I've bought a ski mask to offer customers the fake ski tan."
Well, I'll trust pretty much anyone with a British accent, and I'm assuming this spokesperson has one, so I have to believe it's true: the ski goggle faux tan is a cool trend. Which means I have to try it. YOU GUYS KNOW ME: SUCKER FOR THE TRENDS.
That said, there's no way I'm going to real-tan or self-tan just the bottom half of my face. Instead, I'm using bronzer.
What immediately popped into my head was the aptly named Snow Bunny bronzer by Too Faced, but after taking a look at its luminous combination of cream, bronze, pink and beige, I knew it just wouldn't be enough for a really chic contrast.
Instead, I went with the deepest, most matte, most actually-chocolate-scented-because-it-contains-cocoa bronzer Too Faced offers: Chocolate Soleil.
I decided not to buy ski goggles as a guide because I would just end up donating them and having a "Daddy, some people lost all their belongings, don't you think that includes athletic equipment?" moment. So, studying the examples on way2tan.com (yep, that exists), I simply used a stiff angled brush to draw curves where goggles would presumably hit my cheeks and nose, and then I colored the bottom portion of my face with a blush brush. (Do you really need to know my technique?)
I realize ski goggles don't go all the way up to one's hairline, but I figured the most authentic look would be that of someone who was also wearing a ski cap. This is about realism, folks.
Oddly enough, a number of my coworkers didn't even notice at first. A few that hadn't seen my new hair color yesterday commented on that. Another said I looked like a puppy. It wasn't until I said, "Do I look like I've been skiing?" did I get a few "Oh... yeah, totally" responses.
I realize this look may be a weird way of insinuating you're wealthy and athletic, but I also think it's a weird way of insinuating you're weird. Which I am. Just not this kind of weird.
Would you ever in a million years considering trying this look? Is giving the impression you're a ski bunny who doesn't wear sunscreen super-high on your list of priorities? Are you as disappointed in London spray-tanners as I am?