I Hate Athleticism, But Here Are 3 Eye Makeup Looks Inspired By The Olympics Anyway

I’m going for the gold. And the silver... And the bronze.
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Rachel
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I’m going for the gold. And the silver... And the bronze.

As a rule, I’m opposed to public displays of athleticism. I like staying fit and active, but I do it in the privacy of my own home or at least within the confines of a small yoga studio like a decent, self-respecting human.

I loathe going to the gym. I can’t handle rows of grunting dudes in cut-off t-shirts, counting their muscles as they ripple across their body, lifting and pressing my body weight while their little heads redden as if they’re a testosterone push-pop about to be pushed up too far.

I’m not into sports, either. In college, I went to football game tailgates but never the actual game. (OK, that had more to do with the number of pre-game drinks I consumed and less to do with my lack of interest in athletics, but bear with me.) I don’t do basketball--too squeaky. Baseball? Boring. Tennis? Ugh, makes my neck hurt. Golf? Yeah, golf is all right with me but only because it maintains an air of snobbery I’ve found appealing since girlhood. Also, my dad golfs, and he is the coolest.

Other than golf, I typically only make one annual exception for my anti-athleticism attitude, and that’s for the Olympics.

I’m a sentimental person, and there’s something terrifically inspiring about seeing the world come together every few years for a couple weeks’ worth of competition. I always make time to watch the world’s greatest athletes take the stage and spin in sparkly circles atop the ice, skate super-fast, hurl themselves down a frosty tube inside a shiny bobsleigh, or slide large, round, flat stones across a slippery surface and use brooms to do… something? Olympic curling is way weirder than hair curling.

This year’s Olympics feel very different, though, for obvious reasons. There’s a whole lot of terrible going on in Sochi, and I’m not just talking about the hotel accommodations for journalists. I try not to associate with hateful humans in any way, and so I’ve had a hard time with this year’s Olympics. Because I’m not cool with the host country’s behavior and also because I don’t have cable or free time, I haven’t watched ANY of the Olympics this year. I’m a little sad about it.

So I’ve decided to celebrate my love for the Olympics in my own way: with some makeup looks inspired by the medals awarded at every game.

BRONZE

While bronze may denote the lowest tier of the three Olympic medals, nary a metallic has found more usage in our collective cosmetic lexicon. A modest tin of shimmering bronzer can take me back to high school faster than shots of Absolut Cranberry, Ugg boots, and “Clumsy” on repeat.

But for this look, we’re going for bronze on our eyes rather than heavily and unevenly over our entire face, like 16-year-old Rachel would.

I started by covering my mobile lid with a layer of Maybelline Color Tattoo Cream Gel Shadow in Bad to the Bronze.

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Then I used NYX Jumbo Eye pencil in Bronze to outline the outside borders of my lids. I used a stiff shadow blending brush to blend the two together.

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Then I grabbed a small liner brush. I’m actually using the brush that came with my L’Oreal Infallible Gel Laquer Liner. I use a stiffer angled brush with that stuff, but the brush that came with it is nice when I want a softer application.

This photo exists mostly to show off my new ring. Yay! The nails are Essie’s “Good as Gold.”

This photo exists mostly to show off my new ring. Yay! The nails are Essie’s Good as Gold.

I used that brush to draw a thin line of the Maybelline bronze shadow along my lower lash line, and extending up to meet my upper lashes.

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Wrapping this bronze color around really brings out any gold flecks in your eye color, especially brown eyes. Brown eyes rule.

I completed the look with Revlon Colorburst Lipgloss in Bordeaux, a deep red that’s soft and slightly shimmery.

My necklace says “fearless” because I am trying to be. Taylor Swift, take the wheel.

My necklace says “fearless” because I am trying to be. Taylor Swift, take the wheel.

SILVER

We’re getting bolder now, and weirder as well. Silver is not a color I often wear on my face, because my complexion is a bit too warm for it, methinks. I’ve always envied women with cooler skin tones, who look amazing in silvers, jewel tones and jet-black hair. The grass is always greener on someone else’s complexion, ya know?

Sometimes I want to look like the lovechild of The White Witch and the Tin Man, though, so here we go.

I started by covering most of my mobile lid with NYX Jumbo Eye Pencil in Milk, which acts as a white base so the silver will really stand out.

I tried to avoid getting the white shadow too close to my lash line, because I’m not going for snowy lashes here. That would be pretty though, I think.

I tried to avoid getting the white shadow too close to my lash line, because I’m not going for snowy lashes here. That would be pretty though, I think.

I then went over the white shadow with the shimmery, silver shadow from the NYC Smoky Charcoal palette.

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The silver on its own is very striking, and not something I would typically wear, so I decided to leave it very stark looking.

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I used a stiff angled brush and L’Oreal Infallible Gel Lacquer Liner to draw a cat eye, fading it out at the outer ends.

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I paired this silvery, spacey look with a purple lip- specifically Revlon Matte Balm Stain in Shameless. 

It’s not a terrible look for second place.

Shout out to red, itchy eyes. I’m allergic to everything I love! (Cats, nature, dogs, everything.)

Shout out to red, itchy eyes. I’m allergic to everything I love! (Cats, nature, dogs, everything.)

GOLD

We can’t even talk about gold until I cue this song up.

Now that we’ve settled that, let’s talk about gold, my FAVORITE COLOR. Honestly, if I had it my way, my entire wardrobe would be black and gold. If you saw my closet, you’d see I’m on my way there.

Gold makeup is awesome, too. It’s close to bronze, but it’s better. It’s brighter, with more of a yellow undertone while bronze veers towards brown. Gold is more exciting. Also, it’s more expensive and therefore superior, obviously. That’s how life works.

I know not all that glitters is gold, but sometimes gold does glitter. (Eff that sentence.) Such is the case with my new BFF, the NP Set All That Glitters Gel Duo.

so bright… so beautiful… my precious….

So bright… so beautiful… my precious…

I have never tried any products from this line, which was created by Australian makeup maestro Napoleon Perdis and launched in 2008. This little glittering duo caught my wandering eye as I perused the clean and gleaming cosmetics aisles one fateful Saturday afternoon.

This flashy little bb was tossed haphazardly on a shelf by itself, with no signage in sight to indicate its intended use or even its price. Irregardless, I tossed it in my basket and resumed merrily bounding through the store. Luckily, it was only $10. I couldn’t wait to get home and play with it. I’m 9.

I just used it like eyeshadow. I found out LATER when I went online to learn more about it that you shouldn’t use this stuff near your eyes, which makes sense. I definitely got some glitter in my eyes and it hurt. I survived, but don’t try it at home. I never said I was a role model.

It turned out rad, though, y’all.

I started by covering my lids with a yellow shadow from ELF’s Essential Little Black Beauty Book.

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Then, I just used my fingers to glob glitter all over my face. It’s a sticky gel, and not particularly easy to work with. I just kept picking up chunks of it and smearing it around until I got the coverage I wanted. It was a beautiful mess, indeed.

There’s still glitter all over my camera. Remember me this way.

There’s still glitter all over my camera. Remember me this way.

I found eventually that dabbing it all over my lids up to my brows worked better than trying to smear it on. Once I had enough glitter on, I smushed it all around a bit to make it more even. 

It wasn’t technically perfect but, y’all, it was great. My face was glittering and glistening and glimmering and shining like the top of the Chrysler building!

Stay gold, ponyboy.

Stay gold, pony boy.

I think the texture as well as the unevenness adds an interesting effect, like I crushed up some gold leaf or I fell face first into the world’s most fabulous dirt pile.

I finished the look with Revlon Just Bitten Kissable Balm Stain in Adore, and a bit more glitter on my lips for good measure. According to the interblags, this product is safe for your lips. Mmmmm, yummy glitter!

If you want to recreate a gold look for yourself (and why wouldn’t you?), use a product with glitter that’s safe for your eyes, please! My vision’s still perfect as ever (suck it, four eyes!) but I have been finding glitter in my eyebrows for over a week now. It isn’t the worst thing in the world, but it could have been worse.

I suggest using Make Up For Ever Glitters or MAC Glitter. Do as I say, not as I do. (Liability, yo.)

That said, you should still pick up some of this NP glitter and smear it all over your face, boobs, friends, cat, etc. It’s awesome and definitely gold-medal-worthy!

Have y’all been watching the Olympics? Or have you just been LOL-ing at the Shoshi Olympics? You know I have. Tell me how you feel about bronze, silver, and gold makeup looks. Tell me how you feel about using makeup products incorrectly. Tell me literally anything.