My Dream Concealer, Brought To Me Via Instagram

It's PERFECT for covering zits--which will herein be known as "activity."
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Annie
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It's PERFECT for covering zits--which will herein be known as "activity."

Impulsively buying nail polishes, eye shadows, lipsticks, glitter, anything that Hannah suggests and then I later see staring at me from the shelves at CVS (‘Sup got2b? Thank Hannah for actually getting me to use your stuff)--all super-easy to do. However, stuff that’s supposed to disappear into my face or go on top of zits is both a time and money investment that requires thorough research, planning, dreaming, and yearning.

My mom has let me wear makeup since I was, like, eight. That’s 15 years of trial and error with powders, sticks, pots, palettes, liquids, sprays, foams, cakes, fluids, and expensive flu-eeds in various interpretations of “buffs,” “nudes,” “beiges,” and “sands.”

First off, there’s no buying concealers or foundations at the drug store for me. I guess yellow pigments must be more expensive than pinks or oranges because I can’t find a good pale yellow-toned foundation or concealer at Duane Reade.

Most makeup has the same ingredients with a la-di-da tropical plant oil thrown in to, I dunno… differentiate? Expensive makeup is more expensive because you’re paying for finer-ground powders, more pigments, and less filler junk like water, wax, and air to make it seem like you’re getting more product for your money.

You’re not going to find a Tom Ford-quality lipstick at the drugstore. No. Stop. Don’t. You’re not going to win this one, I don’t care how many upvotes you get.

Also, the emulsifying process is SO IMPORTANT. (As in, the way the ingredients are blended together.) If the makeup separates in the bottle or, more commonly, on your skin, it’s probably because the manufacturers cut corners when it came to mixing the products. You know how people are like, “Ugh it just sits on my face!”? Emulsification: pay for it.

I’ve been waiting to stumble across a super-thick, creamy, moist paste that has a low melting point so it blends onto skin easily, but with enough pigments that the coverage is killer. It’s this kind of makeup that you can mix with moisturizer to make a more sheer-coverage foundation, or use full-strength as the dopest of concealers, because it’s sticky as hell.

So, yeah, I absolutely have higher expectations for my face makeup than I do for men. Well, different expectations... kind of? (Super-thick. Lol. And dopest. I only mess with the dopest.)

While scrolling through Instagram on that fateful evening in December, I came across one Peaches Geldof absolutely gushing over a gorgeously creamy-looking pot of skin-toned putty.

"And no, this isn't a plug!" lol. 

"And no, this isn't a plug!" lol. 

“This stuff is THE BEST makeup item I have EVER had!” she proclaimed. Besides her use of capitals, I could tell by how the product held whip-like peaks and from its overall glossiness that Peaches was truly onto something with this Kevyn Aucoin Sensual Skin Enhancer. And there’s nothing I love more than taking beauty advice from my fellow trust fund babies.

I went to the Met last weekend, and, knowing it would be a minute before I made it that far uptown again, I decided to run into Barney’s to score some--sorry--score a pot for myself.

**Probably the worst photo of me on the Internet waves.** Also, I'm an exhausted 12-year-old raised by a single dad that isn't quite sure what to do with girl hair when I don't wear makeup. 

**Probably the worst photo of me on the Internet waves.** Also, I'm an exhausted 12-year-old raised by a single dad that isn't quite sure what to do with girl hair when I don't wear makeup. 

My friend the jerk snapped this photo of me getting all Gollum on a silver comb in one of the jewelry cases. My overall scrubbishness was entirely too disconcerting to one of the makeup counter attendants at Barney's, offering me, “Some concealer for those under-eye bags.”

Um, are you joking, Barney’s? I like you. But HOW SHAMEFUL that one of your employees embarrassed a famous beauty editor and overall Internet celebrity. There’s a level of tact needed, even when pushing superfluous junk like shimmery highlighters. I literally pulled a muscle in my right brow from the mondo helping of side-eye I served.

Any. Way. I finally made it over to the Kevyn Aucoin counter, greeted by a makeup artist with much more finesse. For instance, I didn’t have a zit on my chin, I had a little “activity.” **From now on all zits will be referred to as “activity” because I’m not a gross person that gets zits, OK?**

He dabbed on some eye cream, and then used the concealer overtop, blending with his fingertips. My friend the jerk told me I looked, “a lot better,” but what do jerks know?

I mostly think this stuff rules for those really nasty huge mounds of activity that you may or may not have… uh… activated(?) and are now three-dimensional sore scabby bump things. I put it on an active spot on my forehead at 8:20 this morning and I’m looking at myself in the mirror on my desk RIGHT NOW at 6:44 and it’s still there. Stickiness is key!

Also, a pot of this could easy last for years. YEARS. Let's say 2.5, if you use a little dab every day... I'm probably low-balling here. That's $18 a year on concealer. Another thing! The color range is bomb. Dude told me that the darkest shade is, "for Alek Wek."

Here, allow me to demonstrate on one of our absolutely gorgeous interns, Daisy. Stick around, or fast-forward or whatever, to the end to see some detailed shots of what the texture and coverage is like in action.

Concealers and foundations are great and all, but I hate coming home without something in a fun color, so I also bought some of Kevyn Aucoin's Matte Lip Color in Everlasting, which is like a rich cranberry red, so a little on the pink side. (On backorder, rats!)

I always wanted to grow up to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader or a catalogue model. Just kidding, I was a catalogue model. When I was three. Can you tell?

I always wanted to grow up to be a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader or a catalogue model. Just kidding, I was a catalogue model. When I was three. Can you tell?

Obviously it’s great, too--a perfect combo of matte and moisture so that it’s comfortable to wear. I prefer to dab (dab dab dab, I know) a bit on my lips and then spread around with my finger so it has a nice smudgy, worn-in stain-y look. Next I'm going to grab the bright purple shade, "Persistence."

The blushes came in a BEAUTIFUL selection of colors, and I tested the highlighter designed by Kevyn to "look like the glow from a candle." It ruled because it didn't have shimmer, I despise glittery highlighters.