I cry a lot. If you follow me on Twitter, you already know what a saddy-sad I really am.
I’m a total psycho with chemical imbalances in my awesome brain, and I’ve spent the majority of my life feeling totally helpless dealing with the aftermath of my reeling mind.
Typically, this works against me. It makes everything more difficult, from relationships to work. But once in a blue, blue, blue moon, it works out for me.
Crying isn’t all bad. It’s cathartic. People cry when they’re happy, too! I like happy crying.
And sometimes, you can use crying to your advantage. I’m really not promoting it--it’s pretty manipulative. But, whatever. You clicked the headline, so maybe you’re a bad person like me.
Use this look to get out of work early by pretending you’re suddenly very upset because Brittany Murphy’s death just hit you. (That is a real thing. I told a professor last year in the middle of a British lit exam. It was absolutely true, and I was shaking and in tears, three years after she died. Remember what I said about my brain being totally out of whack?)
Or use it to make your friends think you also got very emotional while watching Catching Fire so that they’ll never know what an emotionless cyborg you truly are.
Or just channel Beyonce’s “Why Don’t You Love Me” look. God, I love that video.
First, do your makeup. Do whatever you want, but use a lot of liner and mascara. I went with a standard black liner, red lip look.
Start by using your fingers to rub your eyes a bit. Work your fingers into the inner corners of your closed eyes, and rub gently. This will help to get your eyes a little puffy.
Then, grab an angled brush and some black cream liner. Dip the brush in the liner, and run it under water. Before drying it at all, rub the water and liner into the outer corner of your eyes. Smudge it in.
Then, return the brush to the water. Take it back to your face and draw a line out from the outer corner of your eye. Follow the shape of your face downward. Those first few tears will fall down the outside of your cheek. Use your fingers or a Q-tip to smudge up the line. Repeat this a few times with one or two more lines falling down.
Repeat for the other eye. Do a couple of tears from the middle of your eye as well, but make sure the two eyes are asymmetrical.
Use your brush to swipe a bit of mascara into your lower lash line. Wet it again, and do more smudging on both the top and bottom lash lines.
Use a red tinted lip gloss on the inner corners of your eyes, and brush it out onto your upper lid and below your eyes to give your eyes a red, irritated look and the sheen of freshly cried tears. I used POP Beauty Aqua Lacquer in Splashing Scarlet.
For some finishing touches, smear your lipstick up a bit. Pinch your cheeks a whole lot to make them extra red and puffy. Using a tissue, blend some of that lipstick onto the tip of your nose.
Go the extra mile and rub some Vaseline below your nose for that snotty sheen. Then wait.
Pretty sad stuff, right? Now that you have this skill, use it wisely. And remember--no matter what Anna Karina tells you, crying doesn’t make you particularly interesting or deep. Try and do it like the rest of us: alone in your car in the Home Depot parking lot.
This article’s sad, and I’m trying hard not to be sad. I am sad, but I’m not as sad as I was if that counts for anything.
What’s the last thing that made you cry? Please send me any heart-wrenching YouTube videos you might have. If there’s one thing I hate, it’s feeling fine.
Chins up, y’all.