I've spent the last couple hours doing something very important: debating with Rachel about the superiority of cake over pie.
You can probably tell from how I chose to word that last sentence that I prefer cake over pie. So does Kara, who helped me gang up on Rachel. (This all happened digitally, by the way; we're in New York, Massachusetts, and Minnesota, respectively.) I'm not anti-pie, to be clear. I'm just more enthusiastic about cake than I am about pie.
This stance is unacceptable to Rachel, a woman who, for several months in late 2014 and early 2015, responded to nine out of ten Facebook messages with "I'M THE CAKE BOSS" — rather deceiving when, clearly, her loyalties lie with pie.
I sent her a link to Paul F. Tompkins' "Cake vs. Pie" bit in hopes of getting her to understand Kara's and my correct opinion.
She gave up on listening less than a minute in.
"Why is he so shouty?" Rachel asked about the wonderful, if not vociferous, Mr. Tompkins.
"One screams for ice cream," I told her. "One shouts for cake."
She refused to budge. I had no choice but to be emotionally manipulative if I was going to get her to see the light. I sent her this:
"OK, cakes are definitely superior in the 'making cute things shaped out of them' category," she responded. (I was relieved she didn't interpret that clip as BB8 being murdered; my preference for cake exists in spite of being traumatized as a child by Tom Petty's "Don't Come Around Here No More" video.)
But even though she put that in cake's win column, she still refused to accept that some people will choose cake over pie any day of the week. She offered me this diatribe. Well, actually, first she accidentally sent me a gif of Bambi eating leaves, but then she offered me this diatribe:
Pie is delicious. It's a literally perfect food. There's the flaky, warm, golden crust. You can press your fork into it ever so lightly and watch it crumble, crack into crumby, carby goodness. And the filling? Um. Pie can be filled with ANYTHING YOU WANT. YOU CAN FILL A PIE WITH MEAT. PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME. Chicken pot pie? Hell yeah. Protein for life. Rhubarb pie? IT'S A VEGETABLE, IT'S LIKE BOUGIE JUICE BASICALLY. Cherry pie? Obviously the sexiest dessert. Pumpkin pie? CLASSIC. Pecan pie? Obviously, pecans are an excellent source of vitamin E. There are so many pies. Pie can be anything you want. And you can be anything you want, when you eat pie. Eat pie. Live forever.
She even posted a Twitter poll.
It was at this point that I realized something very profound.
Kara and I, AKA #TeamCake, prefer lipstick over lip gloss; Rachel, the Pie Boss, prefers lip gloss. In fact, as I was packing up my beauty products for my move next week and deciding what unused items to not take with me, I asked Rachel and Kara if they'd like me to send them anything, and Rachel specifically listed lip gloss, while Kara was just like, "You know what I like," which means red lipstick (and also perfume).
DOES THIS MEAN THAT CAKE PEOPLE ARE INHERENTLY LIPSTICK PEOPLE AND PIE PEOPLE ARE LIP-GLOSS PEOPLE?!
So even though it's completely unscientific and more or less the stupidest Open Thread theme ever, I want to know: do you prefer cake AND lipstick over pie AND gloss, or vice-versa? Or are you interested in crushing my Facebook-Messenger-borne theory because you're a pie-loving lipstick prefer-er?
Let's get to the bottom of this extremely important whatever-this-is.