Less than a year ago I woke up one day and was all, "I think I'll be an artist now!"
My parents decided that this would be a wonderful idea and got me an apartment where I drew my pictures and painted my paintings and sewed stuff. (Thanks, by the way! That apartment ruled.)
I only made it through, like, seven pieces that summer (it takes me FOREVER to finish anything), until Jane Pratt was like, "No, no, that's enough. You're going to write about makeup."
I was--am--pretty good, I guess. I remember realizing this as I formed perfect bubble letters at the preschool art table when the other little chickens were still figuring out that Crayola doesn't come in flavors.
It makes sense that I'm halfway decent at painting the most beautiful of canvases: my FACE. And my friends' faces and my friends' friends' faces--I love giving makeovers. And I only hang out with beautiful people. I remember when I turned my sixth-grade friends from innocent 12-year-olds to slutty preteens by being like, "Behold: bronzer," and fluffing in their cheekbones with NARS Casino.
When I started running out of clean eyeshadow and eyeliner brushes, did I, you know, clean them? No. I grabbed whatever watercolor brush was within arms reach like, "You'll do."
And it did! It did way better than my actual makeup brushes did. The next day... or week, or whenever I got around to it, I went to the art supply store and bought a whole new set of makeup brushes because the price:quality ratio is INSANE. You'll spend $4 on an amazing little angle brush that you'd drop $24 on at some department store counter.
I've been telling all of my friends to do the same and I can't really decide if anybody ever actually listens to me. I perfected the smile-and-nod in grade school, but as an adult I've begun to realize that I didn't invent the smile-and-nod.
Or they do listen and they just get overwhelmed once they enter the brush isle. The huge selection is a blessing and a curse- what to choose, what to choose?
Enough with the excuses, friends and friends of friends and internet strangers. Join me, live and in action, in the paint brush isle for a personalized shopping tutorial...
No, I'm not high. I just talk in extreme vocal fry so that I sound cool and aloof in front of my way cooler interns. Also, duh, next time we'll turn the phone sideways.
Are you going to try this? HAVE you tried it? Are you one of my friends that just placates me by pretending to listen to things that I say but really you're just nodding along and saying "uh huh," while thinking about all the stuff you need to get at CVS later? ANSWER ME!