The Imminent Robotic Takeover: Day 1

Beauty devices tricking us into trusting robots, starting with this teeth whitening kit.
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Annie
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Beauty devices tricking us into trusting robots, starting with this teeth whitening kit.

It’s a scary time we’re living in, y’all! LOOK AROUND. Robots have developed minds of their own and are now beginning their first phase of world domination. Starting, of course, with the seemingly innocuous data-collecting spies in the form of Red Boxes and CVS self-checkouts. Don’t be naïve.

I don’t want to get all political over here, but immigrants aren’t taking jobs--we’ve known for a while that it is robots that take our jobs. We’ve adapted, created new things for humans to do for work, like line operators, and eventually totally abstract positions that wouldn’t even make sense 50 years ago, like “social media managers” and “IT departments.” But wait... now isn’t it us that work for them?

Take a breather, I know that this realization can be terrifying.

There are those who are fighting it; at the forefront of the robot opposition are the brave souls at Kinfolk Magazine. It it they who are boldly defying robotics, encouraging us to churn our own ice cream and hand-craft found maple wood baby swings powered by windmills, rather than trust precious things like ice cream and offspring to the enemy.

Then there are those like myself who have given up hope. We definitely can’t beat ‘em, so let’s just enjoy their methods of slowly wiping out the human race through providing us with convenience and innovation as we accept more and more of their presence in our lives until eventually we’re being harvested as a renewable robot energy resource, you know?

So this week, we’ll be taking a look at some of these cute little evil devices that hide behind the guise of a beautification tool. Some are more common than others, but it’s only a matter of time before we’re completely dependent on robots for our entire beauty routines. It’ll be light-hearted and fun at that point in the takeover, like a Jetsons vibe. I’m actually looking forward to it.

First we have the most harmless-seeming one of all: the Prime Time Smile Same Day Light-Powered Teeth Whitening Kit. Frankly, it’s adorable and totally harmless, but training us humans to readily allow small robots into our bodily cavities nonetheless.

Before. You'll come to see that this photo is totally pointless. 

Before. You'll come to see that this photo is totally pointless. 

Anyway, I tried out the little kit last night. Each treatment is a three-step process, repeated four times over the course of several days until you’re happy with your results.

I had no internet at my new place, so some of you might have been enjoying my Twitter jam while I sat around for an hour whitening my teeth, which went mostly ignored due to what I’m assuming was the Mad Men premiere? Whatever, I still don’t get Twitter.

Who says I don't try? Look at that totally intentional nail color coordination. 

Who says I don't try? Look at that totally intentional nail color coordination. 

So the kit comes with two Touche Éclat-type wind-up pens (the most irritating things to get going--ever). The blue is a protective coating that you brush on first, followed by the whitening solution in the white pen. Then you hold the evil little robot light dude in your mouth, surrounded by your lips, and keep it there until it shuts off after ten minutes.

The future is now.

The future is now.

My only complaint about the kit is that you can’t tell when the light turns off without taking it out. If there was a little baby light on the outside as well to alert you when your personal robot invasion was done, that would have been nice. Meh.

Despite my attempts to take the photo under the exact same lighting conditions, etcetera, the detail and coloring is lost. Bitch about it in the comments. **sigh**

Despite my attempts to take the photo under the exact same lighting conditions, etcetera, the detail and coloring is lost. Bitch about it in the comments. **sigh**

So all in all, I think my teeth look brighter, and the coloring more even. So the kit definitely did something, although the results from my first treatment weren’t dramatic.

I will say that the absolute best thing about this kit is that it did not cause any pain or sensitivity whatsoever. I’ve had blistery holes burned into my gums from whitening kits before, or at the very least was left with reddish gums and sore tooth roots or whatever. There was none with this--not even a little sting from the bleach solution.

What robotic devices are you allowing into your bodily cavities?