My Boyfriend's Perfect Teeth Have Inspired Me To Also Have Perfect Teeth

The idea of whitening my skin gives me an angry version of the creeps. But whitening my teeth? Hell to the yes.
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The idea of whitening my skin gives me an angry version of the creeps. But whitening my teeth? Hell to the yes.

Every relationship comes with a little jealousy, and in mine, the source isn’t an old flame or a lack of trust. It’s my boyfriend’s teeth. I’m seriously envious of his smile. It’s flawless: perfectly shaped, straight and so white they almost reflect light. It was one of the first things I noticed about him when he came up to talk to me at a Halloween party three years ago; his shiny, white teeth matched his doctor’s coat.

I've asked him to donate his teeth to me if anything ever happens to him.

I've asked him to donate his teeth to me if anything ever happens to him.

Since we started dating, I’ve found myself obsessing over my own teeth. I didn’t get braces because I fought like hell not to. I already had a tough enough time in high school without having to hear the “metal mouth” taunts. So I’m stuck with one front tooth overlapping the other. It’s not that noticeable to other people, but I’m acutely aware of it.

I’m not going to get involved in an Invisalign saga like the one Annie's going to tell you about next week, but these are the products I do and will continue to use as frequently as their packages say it’s safe to in order to get my teeth as close to my boyfriend’s level of perfection as possible.

BRUSH LIKE YOU MEAN IT

Stop buying crap toothbrushes at the dollar store and get an electric toothbrush. If you can afford it, drop some cash on the Philips Sonicare DiamondClean Rechargeable Electric Toothbrush. It’s the toothbrush other toothbrushes give the stink eye to, probably because it’s both sensitive and sexy. It cleans teeth with up to 31,000 brush strokes per minute. I quiver in my Hello Kitty undies thinking about all that stroking. Plus, there are five different settings to choose from, including sensitive, which is gentler on teeth and gums.

Arm & Hammer makes an affordable SpinBrush Powered Toothbrush, but I reckon a rechargeable toothbrush, like the Oral-B Vitality Dual Clean Toothbrushthat I’m using now while my sexy DiamondClean number lives in LA next to my boyfriend’s toothbrush, saves you more money in the long run. And no one likes a vibrating gadget’s batteries to run out before getting the job done.

WEIRD YET EFFECTIVE TOOTHPASTE

I’ve tried more toothpastes than you have. Don’t even try to argue with me. When you’ve tried most of the obscure toothpastes on multiple continents, we’ll talk. And in my extensive search for something that does more than just clean, I’ve found and come to love Darlie All Shiny White.

The stuff in this incredibly creepy tube actually whitens, unlike a lot of toothpastes that claim they do, which is also probably why my man makes me buy $50 worth of it to take with me when I visit him.

CREST. WHITE. STRIPS.

If you made me choose between Nutella fingers (like this but with Nutella) or Crest White Strips, I would choose the latter. THAT IS A BIG DEAL. I really like their 3D Whitestrips Professional Effects, and now that my teeth are relatively white, I use one every few days instead of one every day.

FINISHING TOUCHES

There was definitely a point when I was being suckered into buying everything that claims to whiten teeth, but I have since risen above the noise. Not everything is going to work, and you will get pissed off at the world (if you aren’t already), but then you will find products, like Listerine Whitening Pre-Brush Cleanse, that actually work and don’t cost half your rent.

Here's a picture of me smiling, because what else would I include in an article about tooth-whitening?

Here's a picture of me smiling, because what else would I include in an article about tooth-whitening?

Combine all this whitening goodness into a regimen and your teeth will be whiter than a Romney family reunion!