Did you guys know that I moved back to New York just for this job where I’m paid to masquerade as a beauty editor?
I flew in on a Wednesday night and started Thursday morning, using a compact mirror and window lighting to apply my first-day makeup while sitting on a slowly warming heater until it literally lit a fire under my ass to get me to leave for work.
My dog friend Paddington was kind enough to let me crash in his living room for a few days while I got settled. (The term “few” covers up to 13, right?') I Craigslist-ed as much as possible and tried to get out to see a few places, but this got old really quickly.
Apartment hunting in New York is one of the most disheartening experiences ever. I almost gave the eff up after getting my hopes up for this place with a Pilates studio--like, in the apartment. Ugh, but the rooms were railroad style. And there was a cat.
Anyway, Paddington's human roommate Catie, in drunken adorableness on the train after a Growlers show, let me know that it was, like, time to GTFO of her apartment. In fact, she pretty much found my current apartment for me, I’m guessing in a desperate attempt to get me out of there.
It’s basically like living in a house. I have a washer and dryer, huge kitchen with a dishwasher, a backyard, and a basement that’s begging for a drum kit.
So you know when you sit down and enjoy some disgustingly greasy Chinese food from a paper door flyer at 4 am? And, then, in the midst of that euphoric moment when you decide there’s plenty of broccoli to make it a healthy meal and a Bobby-centric King of the Hill episode is just beginning, you shovel a rice-y forkful of chicken in your mouth only to bite down on something foreign and hard?
My bathroom is that unexpected weird hard thing in my white meat Chinese broccoli chicken bite apartment. It’s startlingly hideous. Three-fourths of it is mirrored, including the ceiling, and the shower has a Jacuzzi tub, leading me to believe that some freaky Polish couple redesigned it in the mid-eighties.
They weren’t sure whether nickel or brass went better with the pinky-red, cream, and black tile work, so they were like “Eff it” and went with both for the fixtures. Elegant.
But I didn’t take the lease over from those 50-year-old Polish toilet-sex freaks. Three fratty dude-bros lived in the apartment right before me, leaving plenty of scum on the mirrors, hair clippings in crevices and weird stickers on the tiles. Bonus: a large pile of germ-coated reading materials in front of the toilet. They’re not even exciting like GQ or Playboy. Just like, Outdoor magazine.
I haven’t had time between, you know, launching a freaking website and those couple of hours of sleep I’ve been getting at night to start bettering my bathroom situation. Right now it’s kind of just a novelty thing--inviting friends over for the sole purpose of making fun of it.
Marci claims to have an even uglier bathroom. Which, you know, I don’t think should be turned into a competition. I actually feel a little protective of my weird-ass bathroom. And I need to cut it some slack. I can’t actually complain about getting to stare at a full-length version of myself while soaping up in the shower.
But you know who does think this ugly bathroom thing should be turned into a competition? The social media team. They got in touch with the one and only DREW FREAKIN' BARRYMORE's super-new line of cosmetics, Flower, for a fan-FREAKIN'-tastic giveaway.
Here's what you're going to do, please:
- THREE of you guys will be chosen to receive an entire set of Flower cosmetics. Mascara, foundation, creamy sparkly things, colorful eyeshadows, stick for your lips... awesome stuff.
- Enter by Instagramming or Tweeting us @xoVain a picture of your ugly bathrooms, with the hashtag #uglybathroom. If you're a pretty pretty princess with the most beautiful of bathrooms, just go out and find an ugly one and shame the owners via social media! You must follow us as well, cultish social-media-style. Via
magic, your hideous bathroom photos will show up in our slideshow at the bottom of this here article.
- BUT... You've gotta be in the home of the free and the land of the brave. No offense, I totally think other countries are free and brave, but US residents only, please!
- BUT... no butts under 18! I'm so sorry, you gotta be legal to vote in order to send in your ugly-ass bathroom photos.
- This will all be over on March 15. Winners will be glorified on this date.