A few weeks ago, while puppy-sitting my friend Kristina's stupid-cute three-month-old dachshund, Igby, I was given an enormous selection of DVDs to choose from to make my evening more enjoyable (which is silly because I was hanging out with a dachshund puppy, and it doesn't get more enjoyable than that).
I ended up having enough time to watch four movies: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (one of my faves), The Rocky Horror Picture Show (definitely up there), Nick & Norah's Infinite Playlist (hadn't seen it, made me feel lonely), and Bridesmaids (which I'd seen once before and--while I adore Kristen Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Melissa McCarthy--I didn't love-vomit all over it like everyone else did).
It was while I was half-paying attention to Bridesmaids that I noticed an early scene I must have missed when I was only quarter-paying attention the first time I watched it: After a night of absurd sex, Wiig's character, Annie, wakes up earlier than Jon Hamm's jerkface Ted to freshen up in the bathroom, sneaking back into bed and allowing him to think she looks especially pretty when she wakes up.
I can't believe I've never tried this, I thought to myself.
I mean, it's completely unnecessary, of course; any guy who's going to be less attracted to you because you look like you've been sleeping when you wake up is someone you probably don't want to hook up with again. But I've kind of always wanted to roll over, look at a guy as he's waking up in my bed, and see in his eyes that he's involuntarily recalling the gentle opening bars of Juice Newton's "Angel of the Morning."
So, when the opportunity arose--I'm single, not celibate--I decided to try my own version of what will henceforth be known as the Wake Up Makeup Fake Up (even though "fake up" isn't a real phrase).
The night before, I'd been wearing a beige eyeshadow, black waterproof liquid liner, black waterproof mascara, concealer under my eyes and on a few blemishes, a slightly shimmery powder blush, and a red lip stain, which I'd hoped might stick around at least a little until morning to give me a head start. (It didn't.)
After some sweaty intimacy and six hours of sleep, this is what I looked like:
I didn't want to risk waking him up by actually getting out bed, because my dogs would probably start making noise. Instead, I'd already placed a small arsenal of products under the $10 IKEA table next to my bed. THINK AHEAD, LADIES.
First, I used Yes To Blueberries Age Refreshing Cleansing Facial Towelettes to gently remove the mascara flakes and liner smudges around my eyes. However, I was careful to not remove any of the mascara that was still on my lashes or any of the eyeliner that was still more or less in its original place.
Next, while facing the wall and looking into a compact, I applied Neutrogena Healthy Skin Primer even though I wasn't going to be applying foundation. The light, non-slick formula has a nice blurring and smoothing effect on its own.
At this point, I looked behind me to make sure he wasn't wide awake and secretly watching me be a weirdo. He was still asleep, with his back to me. ONWARD.
Next, I used Benefit Fake Up concealer (oh, hey, look at that--I guess "fake up" isn't such a stupid term after all) under my eyes to help disguise the grayness I wake up with every damn day. The clear balm that envelops the color (I use Light) helps it go on without pulling at my skin. My under-eyes we already puffy--from, you know, pillow--and didn't need any further trauma.
I then used Fake Up on the craggy zit that's healing under my nose, as well as the couple of reddish-brown marks I usually cover. I blended it by tapping with my finger so it wouldn't be obvious where bare skin ends and concealer starts.
My next step was to put a little bit of glow back into my cheeks, because asking for the post-bonk flush to last until sunrise is a little much.
Powder blush would look a little too makeup-y, so, with my finger, I used the Pacifica Radiant Shimmer Coconut Multiples palette in the pink middle shade, Island Rose, to give my cheeks a faint, dewy rosiness. I then applied the iridescent beige shade, Moonlit, as a highlighter atop my cheekbones.
Finally, so my lips looked less like they belong to a zombie who constantly loses her brain-flavored Chapstick, I applied Neutrogena Revitalizing Lip Balm in Petal Glow, which almost perfectly matches my natural lip color. It made my lips look smoother and fuller. It also smells great, but probably not enough to cover up my morning breath.
This is what he woke up to:
So my eyes definitely didn't look fully un-puffed, but I think it's a significant--and convincingly natural-looking--improvement from how I actually woke up.
I awkwardly texted him to confess what I'd done and ask him how he thought I looked. He said, "You looked radiant, but like it was a natural radiance, without any makeup other than what was left over from the night before." I'LL TAKE IT!
So, have you ever touched up your makeup before your hookup woke up? Have you taken it even farther than I did, with hairstyling and more makeup?