I’ve officially declared 2014 my Year of Cleavage.
For a while, I was kind of anti-cleavage and I’m not here to pretend it was for any reason other than the fact that I had no cleavage to speak of until around age 21.
Please, a moment of silence for birth control.
I’m still not particularly ample, but a handful’s a good bit to start with. I’m a 34B, which is nothing to write home about, in all honesty, but they work really well with my frame and personality. I am nothing if not perfectly average.
A few weeks ago, I wore this hot red dress to a New Year's wedding. My mom bought it for me for Christmas because she knows in the year 2014 I only wear things that show off my boobs. New year, new me, right?
As you can see, those straps are wide enough to conceal bra straps, but the dress is so low cut it still exposes most of the bras I own. Also, I just cannot with push-up bras. It’s a personal preference. I’m not ready yet to fly so close to the sun, you know?
Most of the bras I own are lace, and those can show through strangely under thin fabric, like this dress. So, I attended the wedding sans bra.
I’m usually sans bra, though. That’s my favorite thing about having relatively small boobs. Bras are pretty, but they’re also expensive and hard to shop for, and I hate spending all day in boob jail.
I’ve read conflicting studies on whether eschewing bras now will make my boobs perky or saggy later in life, but I really don’t care. Everybody, do your thing. (Also, where do you buy bras?)
So, what’s a smallish-boobed girl to do when she wants to step her sex factor up a notch? Well, first you need some sexy low cut shirts and dresses. Go watch American Hustle if you need inspiration. It’s a side-boob-topia.
Now, let’s get down to business. Boobsness? Bizztits.
Sometimes, I get small breakouts on my chest and back, and they’re hard to treat. The best method I’ve found for keeping my chest clear of blemishes is to use Shea Moisture African Black soap on my chest and back in the shower or bath.
If you use exfoliators in the shower, you know better than to use them to often or you’ll damage your sweet, soft skin. I’ve found that the skin on my chest just can’t handle exfoliation at all. It will get red and irritated and stay that way for days. I just work some African Black Soap into my hands and rub it gently onto my skin, rather than using a sponge, washcloth or brush.
I also always use the same moisturizer on my chest as I use on my face and neck. Right now, I’m using Vanicream in the mornings and L’Oreal Hydra-Renewal Continuous Moisture Cream at night.
If you’re continually getting chest breakouts near where your bras hit your skin, the bra may be to blame. Make sure to keep them nice and clean.
If you’re still experiencing some breakouts and headed to an event where your baps will be on display, opt for lightweight coverage so you won’t be worrying about your makeup bleeding onto your dress all night. I like to mix a bit of moisturizer with some BB Cream. I’m currently using Garnier Fructis Skin Renew Miracle Skin Perfector BB Cream.
Now, about putting makeup on your boobs: be careful. You could very easily make quite a mess of yourself. I live in Mississippi, so I know a thing or two about boob sweat. Our state flag is basically a white tank top drenched in sweat. (JK, our state flag is actually way worse than that. Ugh.)
A fun fact about me is I don’t actually own concealer. I KNOW. I hate me, too. So I don’t have any advice about which concealers you should use that won’t sweat off your body. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Dust a bit of bronzer between your boobs to add some dimension and make them look a little bigger, if you wanna. One of mine is slightly larger than the other, but that’s probably one of those things about myself that only I will ever notice. Right?
I also like to apply just a slight bit of shimmery powder if I’m going to a nighttime event. I’ll dust it lightly across my chest, and my upper arms as well. I like the way it catches light and draws attention to me.
Lately, I’ve been using Rimmel Sun Shimmer Maxi Bronzer in Sun Dance.
The thing about wearing a low-cut outfit in public is that you have to Instagram it or it didn’t happen. All that really matters in this life is how you look in photos because if your grandkids don’t one day feel weird about how hot their grandma was, then you did it all wrong.
Getting your boobs right in photos is 90% posture. The other 10% is a combination of angles, lighting and karma.
I used to have really awful posture. It’s not perfect now, but it’s way better than it was before. Blame it on being the tallest girl in middle school, but I was a sloucher, for sure. Twenty years of my mother’s whines did nothing for me, but once I started doing yoga in college my posture transformed.
Alle can tell you what a huge difference posture makes, and she’s right! Once my posture in general improved, people were asking me constantly if I’d lost weight. That’s sort of a problematic thing to say to someone out of the blue, but whatever.
Slouching will make your boobs look weird, and will also up your nip slip risk factor. So shoulders back. See for yourself.
Let’s speak briefly in hushed voices about boob tape.
If you’re gonna be out dancing and you’re wearing a low-cut top or dress that moves about quite a bit, I highly suggest boob tape. Double-sided tape works just fine. I rarely use it, though, because I don’t go anywhere.
If you’re gonna stick your boobs to your dress, I suggest cutting the tape into small sections, smaller than an inch and strategically placing those down the neckline, rather than one long strip of tape.
If you keep your shoulders back, falling out shouldn’t be a huge issue. Or, just get really drunk and then it definitely won’t be an issue.
Here are some other tips:
• Do upper-body workouts. It will help the pectoral muscles grow which will boost your boobs! Yay! Do pushups and weights and things. (I have 5-pound weights at home, and that’s as far as I go.)
• If you’re wearing a bra, WEAR THE RIGHT SIZE! As someone whose boobs grew a lot in a small amount of time, it took me forever to figure out what size I actually am. Most lingerie stores will have someone on hand who can measure you and help you out. Also, there’s a Reddit place for that.
• Tan lines are hot. Have you ever even seen a vintage Playboy?
• Just accept that you’re really hot. I mean, honestly. Complaining about your body is SOOOO BOOOORING! And I’m allowed to say that because I complained about mine non-stop for a long time and I am certifiably the most boring woman alive. Your boobs are great. That entire thing you got goin’ over there for yourself is great. Flawless, indeed.
Oh, and if all else fails just buy a really, really sparkly bra. No one looks bad in a belly dancer top.
Now, uh, show me your boobs.