My Feet Are Wack, But This Easy DIY Foot Soak Makes Them Slightly Less Frightening

My eyes are up here.
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My eyes are up here.

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I'm pretty sure my manicurist goes to the back for a quick cry every time I come in for a pedicure. It just shouldn't take that long to find sterilized tools.

See, I have ugly feet. Unlike Marci, whose foot issues are toenail-centric, my problems lie with the remaining 90% of foot area. Their appearance is largely the result of ill maintenance over the years.

"happy bday! if i put on real shoes will you plz come 2 ur party?'

"happy bday! if i put on real shoes will you plz come 2 ur party?'

I wear a size 11, and when you grow up in Asia, that means that you've had to shove your feet into much-too-small shoes. I also like to do things barefoot. Life is better when you're naked, and the best compromise when that’s not an option is to be barefooted. If I can’t be barefoot, I opt for flip-flops; if not flip-flops, six-inch heels.

Couldn't find any shoes that went with this dress.

Couldn't find any shoes that went with this dress.

The consequent exposure and strain have given me hooves, much like those of the Native American mythological Deer Woman, who, legend says, has a human upper body, and the lower body of a white-tailed deer.

I used to be embarrassed about them, but now I'm like, just look at my face, it's prettier.

I used to be embarrassed about them, but now I'm like, just look at my face, it's prettier.

I once showed my dermatologist my feet, and she eyeballed my hot-pink-and-lime green pumps and said, “It’s your shoes.”

Girlfriend was wearing Crocs.

I do accept what the universe has put on the end of my legs, and I try to make the best of them. (It’s really hard to not make a “take my feet into my own hands” pun right now. I guess I just did.) My go-to for easy improvement: a DIY soak.

If you don’t have a tub--neither does my sad, sorry bathroom--get a pail and fill it up with warm water. I’m serious. A big bucket, an old-fashioned laundry basin—whatever. I like my foot water almost scalding hot, but proceed with caution. Squeeze the juice of one lemon into the pail with half a cup of sea salt and three tablespoons of ground ginger. If you have it handy, drop in some rosemary essential oil, which has anti-fungal properties.

Soak your feet until they’re nice and soft, and then use a foot file. Gently stroke the coarse surfaces of your feet, like the balls (hehe--balls), to remove the rough skin.

After the soak, juice a lemon, puree two cucumbers, and throw three to four tablespoons of olive oil in the mix. Separate the mix into two plastic bags, stick your feet in the bags (do not mistake your head for a foot), and leave it in there for fifteen minutes. (You can substitute the lemon with peppermint essential oil if you want, since you’ve already used lemon juice in your foot soak.)

Slather your now-human feet with some foot cream, and tadaaaaaaaaaaaa. You’ll be proud to Instagram those babies. (Don’t, though, unless you want people with foot fetishes to follow you, which they will, even if you have feet like mine.)

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