My boyfriend has many good qualities. Like, a lot. If I had to write out all his good qualities, we would be here a while (hey, baby, please buy me diamonds for Christmas).
The one thing he is quite useless at, however, is beauty. Since we started dating, I have heard one absurd beauty theory after another. Occasionally, his beauty myths have spawned mini-arguments wherein he tries to vehemently defend these theories, mostly with “I heard it somewhere” or “but when I was in high school I did that and it worked!”
So I wanted to share with you my favorite boyfriend beauty myths, from the man who refers to a manicure as a pedicure.
Let’s start with my personal favourite: My boyfriend believes that wetting his hair makes it “less puffy” (that’s boy-talk for “frizzy”). Not only does he think it will be less frizzy while it’s wet, which is true, but also once it dries.
He frequently wets his hair before going out in order to control it. He has argued this on multiple occasions. When we spoke about this article, he still argued it. Like, he believes this with conviction.
We all know that the worst thing you can do to frizzy hair is wet it. There’s a reason you won’t catch girls with perfect hair frolicking in a rainstorm. No.
My boyfriend has really unique views on skincare. He doesn’t own a face wash, nor does he seem to have an interest in owning one. He believes that you can and should wash your face with whatever soap you’re using on your body.
When he was 16, he used to wash his face with shampoo, because it seemed to dry his pimples out. What he probably didn’t realise, though, was that shampoo will also dry your entire face out, which seems like a good thing, but your skin begs to differ when it produces excess oil to compensate.
My boyfriend also thinks that tweezing your hair will make it grow back thicker. When his sister questioned him about where he got this information from, he responded, “I don’t know. It was just an idea I had.” Science, basically.
Not all of his myths come from nowhere. Some of them have traceable origins. He thinks that pushing your cuticles back can give you an infection and kill you. “I heard that someone pushed their cuticles back and went into a coma. I’m telling you!”
My darling dearest is adamant that you must never ever squeeze your pimples. Not for the traditional reasons, but because you will get more, “Because it spreads! It does! That’s what they say! The pus will spread to your other pores! It’s true! Don’t laugh. Is that not true?” And then, “Watch, someone’s gonna be like, 'That’s actually true.'” I couldn’t even make this up if I tried.
Until recently, my boyfriend also thought that people don’t wear lipstick anymore. He thoroughly believed that lipstick was only for old people, and that young women wore lip gloss only.
One day, my boyfriend might read xoVain and buy himself a face wash. Until that day, I always have a steady flow of entertainment. Thanks, baby.