So I kinda stopped washing my hair. And washing my face. No, I’m not Huck prior to when his fairy godmother Kerry Washington/Olivia Pope Cher’d (a total word) his ass and took him from shabby to chic, gross to glam, barf to beauty. Yeah, so Huck is basically the equivalent of Brittany Murphy in my universe.
While I’m neither Huck nor Brittany Murphy (rest in peace, baby girl), I learned a lot of crap is (are? Is crap plural?) actually a racket. I probs should totes not be saying that since this is xoVain and they like to sell us stuff. But y’know, I’m a rebel.
And I understand the hustle. We all got loans to pay back. Bills to pay. Ain’t nobody got time for that (and by “that” I mean the sex work/pimp game as a side hustle, obvi).
So with that, my chickadees, here are my top three beauty products/non-products that I pay next to nothing for--as in I only have three “products” as of now, so, yes, top three.
Since I’m the anti-Momma Dee, these are in no particular order.
H2 M’EFFING O
If you’re in NYC (Brooklyn what, what!), you likely get water fo the freesky. I mean, selling your soul (and a future interest on your not-yet-conceived kids) just to pay rent comes with its perks. Elsewhere, my loves, enjoy your cheap rent and keeping your kids and your water bill.
Especially for the girls with kinky/coily/curly/whatever-euphemism-for-nappy-we-use-these-days hair, water is your best friend! Basically Mace to your Diddy. If Mace was water. And Diddy was hair. A bunch of shampoos have sulfates, which may be A-OK for some people, but for most folks with any type of curl? Stay. Away.
It’s a vicious cycle once you beez trapped in the shampoo streets. You buy the shampoo. It dries out your hair. You drown it in conditioner. It’s OK for a few days. And you shampoo it again. Until you have to buy another $80 moisturizing shampoo and $90 conditioner. Don’t do it.
Of course, know your hair. And I found that my hair’s sebum kind of over-conditions my scalp while my strands tend to be dry. So I just vigorously massage my scalp and rinse. And I invest in a good deep conditioner.
This no-poo thing (no-shampoo for the uninitiated) has been picking up (its very own wiki page--hello!) and I definitely feel like it works for me. Though sometimes I'll use V05's really cheap clarifying shampoo; it works when I’ve got a ton of product buildup. Just clarify sparingly!
Also, almost forgot this one: detangling! Uggh, when I decide to step in the trap for a sec and collect all sorts of detangling trinkets, my body calls for that good ol' water again. I mean like R.Kelly "Body is Calling" type calling. Kells, I know exactly how you feel. I mean, other than the peeing on somebody else thing. I don’t know how that feels.
And it never fails. For girls with tight curls (aka afro-type hair), don’t douse your hair in water to detangle, because then it just shrinks and gets knotted up. Just pour the water in a spray bottle doohickey and spray just enough to just get your hair a bit damp. For me spreading my hair (instead of combing through it) always does the trick.
APPLE CIDER VINEGAR
Oh, a good ACV rinse! I used to have problems with a super-dry scalp. Not no mo, playaz.
When I need to free my scalp and strands of product buildup whilst getting rid of dry flakey flakes, I pour about one part apple cider vinegar, one part water in a thingmajig applicator bottle. I apply the mixture directly to my scalp. Scrub a dub, bitches. A brand new scalp.
I got my latest ACV at TJ in BK. Only the cool kids can figure that out. Or, uh, just look at the pic.
Mmmm glycerine. (Not this glycerine. Or maybe it is?) The "mmmm" signifies the fact that this stuff is actually kinda tasty.
Vegetable glycerine is just a good all-purpose moisturizer. They often put it in conditioners and moisturizers since it’s a humectant (science!), so it attracts moisture from the environment and puts that bish right on your body, hair, love box, wherever you apply it.
It’s like a two-fer: You get the moisture you paid for and God’s moisture from the air (or science-made if God isn’t your sort of thing).
I stopped using soap for my face because it was too drying. So I clarify every now and then with baking soda (which easily could/would have been my #4, but I’m just lazy, with coconut oil being #5). Just a lil scrub of my face with water and a loofah (who am I kidding--my hands, since loofahs are for people with motivation) and then spray my face and body with my glycerine mixture.
When I tell you this mix moisturizes these ashy-ass legs better than anybody’s business... There’s no end to that sentence--it just is. I don’t even buy lotion anymore, since this works bomb for my face and body.
Oooh, plus, if you have a lover/life partner, this stuff tastes sweet. He or she might want to eat you after. He or she definitely will eat you if he/she is a cannibal. At the least, they’ll enjoy licking you. Or you can enjoy licking yourself.
You can find vegetable glycerine at a natural foods store. I think some chain pharmacies might have it as well. Or, y’know, hop in this new digital age (spoken like a true old) and buy it online, kids!
For your average moisturizing needs, fill up a spray bottle with about 15% glycerine, 85% water. You may be OK with more or less glycerine. Less is usually best since too much gets sticky, so experiment to see what works best for you.
And that’s it! My totally not-long-winded, non-pop-culture-interrupted review of my three cheap and natural beauty products. Now save them dollaz so you can pop tags, or make it rain, or expose your vag and read people on Twitter or whatever you do to emulate Rihanna’s life.