My mom used to take me to get my hair cut short '90s-business-woman style just like hers. She would enter us in lookalike contests--a little creepy. Motherboy-ish even. I was the Suri to her Katie, adorable enough to want to show off and coordinate with. But because I'm a rebel rebel, I've been growing my hair extremely long since finding my independence in first grade.
Lately, though, I've found myself at a crossroads of sorts. Then I wrote this list of what it's like living with super-long hair. Catharsis below...
Obviously. Sure, it’s not long-hair specific. If you’ve got mad curls that’s hard, too. BUT rest assured that super-long hair will get super-bad tangles. You gotchyer...
- Sleep tangles. I’ve heard sleeping on a satin pillowcase helps, but there’s really no telling where I’ll end up on the bed while I’m REMing out over the course of seven hours, and that’s rarely with my head placed perfectly atop a pillow.
- Sex tangles. Try exclusively being on top if these are bad. Otherwise, the fuzzy nest at the nape/crown area can be really DGAF chic.
- Jacket tangles. THE WORST. This is the fifth crappiest thing about moving to NYC. Jackets cause the hair right at the nape of your neck to become unfathomably ratted in a matter of minutes.
- Wind tangles. Most people enjoy a nice breeze, taking the ferry, motorcycles, convertibles--wind sh*t. I dread it. Which brings me to my next point…
- Dreadlocks. OK, no
these are THE WORST. I’m obviously really great at doing beauty stuff, and can deal with your average tangle. When these happen, snip snip. Consider yourself castrated, knot.
GETTING IT CAUGHT IN STUFF
Not the same as a tangle, although I guess you can say that your hair becomes entangled in various life things.
- Zippers. Back, front, side--they’ll eat your hair.
- Blowdryers. I don’t know if blowdryers have evolved out of this MAJOR DESIGN FLAW, but when I was little I used to accidentally suck my hair into the backside of the blow dryer. This also could have been because I was a child idiot.
- The plastic chairs from high school. Remember those? They came in like orange, black, blue, yellow, maybe taupe? And they had the two little flat silver screws that held the plastic base into the metal frame? Those little assholes LOVE to yank your hair out.
- Clothing tags. I don't even try clothes on anymore. I'm literally like, "Slutty? Black or floral? Wrap it up."
- Dainty necklaces. Hair strands slither awake at night and coil themselves around the back clasp, eventually breaking the only piece of jewelry you ever wear that your mom gave you.
- That chick that still wears charm bracelets: don’t hug her.
- Time. It takes it. Lots of it. And your hair doesn’t even look better because of it. Just brush before you bathe so that it doesn’t dread when you take a shower.
- Hair loss. You’ll occasionally wonder if you’re deficient in important nutrients because surely it’s not normal to lose so much hair.
- Tangles (see above). Learn to accept them as your “look.”
GETTING IT PULLED
- It’ll be a prime target for trashy angry chicks with a penchant for assault.
- Snuggling. Adorable until your 200 pound boyfriend (is that how much dudes weigh?) rolls over onto it and can’t figure out how to quickly reconfigure as you yelp in pain, putting all of his weight in his right hand to lift himself up, which happens to be the other area on the bed where you hair is laying. Then you scream more and he feels terrible and like a huge monster man. Be warned--this happens during sex, like, a lot. If you have a lot of sex, which I hope you do.
- Backpacks, shoulder bags, various weighted straps. Adjust your flip accordingly.
THE WALKING DEAD
- You’re going around with years and years of DEAD CELLS dangling around your face and torso. Zombies don’t age well, they flake off and leave remnants of themselves everywhere they go. Like your fried ends.
- That oily serum you put in your ends will be swishing and laying across your back skin. SURPRISE! Back zits.
- Silver lining PRO: that same hair also covers any existing bacne. It’s a vicious cycle.
- Curlers. They’re never big enough. Think about it. Heat curlers are heated in the middle. As you wrap your long-ass hair around it, the only part that’s getting any heat is the first few rounds on the curler. As you keep wrapping you’re basically… no analogy. You’re doing nothing to the hair above the halfway point of your lengths. Velcro rollers can only hold so much length, too.
- The migrating pony tail.
- Berets. Adorable, but look weird with super-long hair. It’s a real shame, because I look devastatingly sexy in a beret.
- You need to use two or three times as much product as a “normal” person. But, only apply in small batches--you can always add more. Ugh, but this takes that other thing we talked about earlier, which is time. Also, more product means less money for you to spend on slutty black dresses that you don't even try on anymore.
- Coloring. If you’re doing it out of a box, first of all shame on you, secondly buy two. I’ve made the mistake of doing this with one and later had the misfortune of seeing a photo of the back of my head. The patchiness of my dye job was honestly harder for me to look at than a photo of maggots feasting on rotting flesh in an open wound. If you’re in a salon, plan to spend WAY more time there, and tip accordingly. Again, later money!
- Volume. Your hair is designed not to have it… at the roots at least. Acceptance.
- Drying time. For obvious reasons.
- Arm strain. Because of said drying/styling time.
PRO! COVERS YOUR BOOBS
- All long-haired chicks are really just living out their fantasy of being sexy half naked mermaids, and yes, I can say from experience that it is truly magical.
- Con: Drunk frat dude on forced double date turns to you with his stiff awkward arm around your neck (OUCH! ON YOUR HAIR!), hot whiskey and garlic breath warming the side of your face as he slurs, “Your hair is so long. Does it, uh… cover your breasts?” WHAT THE HELL DUDE? WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT??
GETTING IT IN YOUR FOOD
- Or in your mouth, in your mouth AS you’re trying to chew food, etc. Also, on your face, tickling, but you can’t quite figure out which part of your face to brush it from. OMFG WHERE IS THIS GHOST HAIR?!
- Or in your friend’s food. There’s nobody else around with 20 inches of chestnut brown.
"YOU SHOULD DONATE TO LOCKS OF LOVE!"
- QUIT PRESSURING ME TO BE A GOOD PERSON.
- I don’t want to use bold for all of these and love bullet points.
- Having to stand when you’re getting it cut. I pay hella money to sit and relax at the salon. Then Shara, like, makes me stand because my hair is too long. Ugh, I pay my trainer to make me work out! Don't get it twisted!
- Neck heat. Think summer scarfs but more uncomfortable and less douchey.
- Neck strain. Scalp strain. Hair weighs more than you think! If you’ve ever taken a tight ponytail down at the end of the day and felt the soreness at your follicles you knowutimean.
- Proportions. I’m convinced my super long hair makes me look even shorter.
- The more hair, the more campfire and Indian food stench it holds.
- Sluts. You’re assumed to be one. Albiet a magical mermaid slut, but a slut nonetheless.
- Drain clogage.
WE'LL END WITH A PRO
- Fake armpit hair. Like when you bring the length from behind and hold it under your arms. Lol!
So I’m seriously considering cutting my hair off. Let’s talk about the last things I’ve gotta do with it before it sayonaras like, “byeeeee.”